Toilet Wars...

Long, long ago in a place far, far away there was an FDPMU team of good and wholesome Navy personnel living peaceably with their Army neighbors on a Marine base. The FDPMU folk shared a border with the Army folk and they shared the same set of port-o-potties. Everyone got along fairly well; generally the Army put the lids down and kept the doors closed, generally they kept all of their bodily wastes in the proper part of the port-o-potties. The Army medical personnel gave medicines to the Navy folk that were in need, and the Navy provided medical expertise and range time to the Army medical folk. Everything was going swimmingly.

Then, there was the RIP (recall the unfortunate acronym for Relief In Place). During this evolution the old Army folk had to leave to a better place, a promised land they called home. The new Army folk that took over the same lands were not so neat and companionable. They didn’t shut the doors or put down the lids in the port-o-potties; they regularly misplaced their bodily wastes. The port-o-potties became perilous!! Action had to be taken; a public health unit—a true preventive medicine unit—cannot standby and watch any ablution or lavatory facility become unsanitary. It is an aching anathema to us—this will not stand!!!

So, the microbiologist (well versed in the handling of stool) went to talk to the leader of these new, messy, dirty, poor-aiming Army folk… You might expect that someone in such a leadership position would be compassionate to our, his neighbors’, needs; that he would be wise in the ways of sanitation; that he would desire to have pristine port-o-potties for his troops. You would be sadly disappointed…

More action was needed! This action was actually taking place, unbeknownst to me, at the same time. Another of the toilet trespasses that the new Army folk had perpetrated was to use all of the alcohol based hand sanitizer, followed by some pagan ritual (not that there’s anything wrong with that) of throwing the container on the ground. Chief had orchestrated a trouble call to KBR/Halliburton (you know, the vice-president’s former employer—the guys that provide the basic life support services here on base) and complained about this lack of hand sanitizer. When the supervisor showed up she regaled him with our tale of terror. This man, being a purveyor of fine port-o-potties was horrified. Luckily, he was also a man of action. Upon his request, in very short order, two of the four port-o-potties were moved to the other side of our building and locks were installed to which only we have the key!!! What a bold move… So, now we have our own set of, once again, pristine facilities. The Army folk are living in squalor next door, and I would be glad to help them if they ask—but in the meantime we are waiting for the explosion of diarrheal stool samples that we are sure to get from these guys in the near future!!!