Another Bathroom Story

Actually, this is a two-fer.  I really have no intention of letting this blog slip into the lower levels of bathroom humor and such; however, it is supposed to reflect life here in Iraq.  And, whenever you are deployed, going to the bathroom and showering are a big deal.  So, did I mention that it is hot here?  Damn hot.  Now, we do have two toilets in our building, but they are not of the Western style, and the sewer system is so degraded that anything that more than water going down the toilet results in a nasty clog—not even one square of toilet paper—no square to spare.  And, one of the toilets doesn’t have a tank for flushing.  That means we have one inside squat-toilet, and it is prone to backup (good thing Keenan isn’t here—he plugs up toilets just by looking at them).  The alternative is just outside—a nice blue-walled, plastic sauna of a port-o-let.  Actually, they aren’t bad most of the time—cleaned out on a daily basis and basically used by Preventive Medicine Professionals, so they are clean, and, as long as the lids are down and the doors closed, there are very few flies.  The problem is that they are located full on in the sun.  If it is 115F in the shade next to the building, it is about 135-140F in these things in the afternoon.  They are cleaned every morning around 10am.  So, the ideal time to go is early in the morning while it is still cool or right after the cleaning.  The wrong time to go, as I found out yesterday, is around 3 o’clock in the afternoon—that was the most serious workout I’ve had in a long time.  I sweated more during that 5 minute grumper than I do on a ten mile run—seriously!

Speaking of running, I went for a nice long one this morning—run, not grump.  Anyway, I ran down the road to meet some folks at 7am for this run.  It was relatively cool, but the wind was whipping around like crazy—a little dust is now problem.  In fact, I have found that the dust mostly gets caught where it should, in your nose.  This makes for some of the most awesome snot-rockets while running.  Big solid aggregates of dirt fly out at top speed, pick up more speed with the whipping wind (aim well, and away from running partners) and sail across the road—very impressive.  And the bonus is that there is instant improvement in the breathing—overall, a very satisfying experience.

Anyway, I run for just short of two hours—not bad.  Nice, slow, steady pace.  I didn’t sweat near as much as I did in the porta-john yesterday…  But, I did sweat a lot, and I was ready for a shower after I cooled down (and hydrated—“hydrate or die” is a phrase we use around here constantly).  But, first, I needed a haircut.  For some reason my clippers weren’t cooperating—just a big nasty buzz—I am sure they were plugged into a 110V plug (this is another major issue around here—power).  So, I borrowed someone else’s and went to town on my hair—you know what it looks like, same bald head I have had for the last 20 years.  So, now I am sweaty, stinky, sticky, AND covered in little bits of hair.  Three guesses what happened next…

1. My wash rag was missing—No, it was right where it should be; although I still need to get a new one
2. The shower was busy because we only have two—No, the showers were empty
3. The water went out—absolutely correct!!!!

That’s right, I am in more dire need of a shower than any Preventive Medicine Practitioner in history—and the water goes out…  No reason to panic.  There are contingency plans for this.  There are bottles of water strategically placed outside to gain the benefits of the morning and afternoon sun—they are warm.  I grab two of these babies and have a truly field expedient shower.  Half of one bottle (1.5 liters each) to get wet.  Lather up.  One and a half bottles to rinse…  I had to drink three more (cold) bottles of water to get re-hydrated after the porta-john and running, but things are looking good now (nice clear urine and it is time for bed)…

Hopefully the water will be in the morning…